Well, I think my strength in my training has now become my weakness. The diet used to be the easiest part for me to do. I used to be able to get into the zone and stay there and just do it because my goal was constantly on my mind. Yet, this time around I am REALLY struggling with the diet portion of my training. Obviously, I LOVE food and I love new flavors, cooking, recipes, and ingredients. Cooking and baking is a stress reliever and a relaxer for me. Usually I would be able to cook and bake and not even lick a single spoon, yet this time around I am having a hard time not eating the entire cake!
Grr....it is so frustrating because its like my actions are lining up with my intentions or my goals and I don't understand why. It is sort of weird because we have been learning about this is social psychology. From a psychologist standpoint it would be called cognitive dissonance.
It is like a flip switches in my head and all of a sudden I don't care about my prior stated goals. It is like they just go completely out the window and my mind is focused on something else. Food is awesome and delicious food is even better and homemade delicious food is amazing! It is definitely a coping mechanism and it is definitely a comfort. I don't know if it is because I am so stressed about everything else in my life that is going on, or because it is not my reeeeallll intention to compete in this show in April, or if I am just afraid to succeed. Whatever the reasoning, the dissonance that I am experiencing is huge and I am very frustrated, disappointed, mad, and upset that I can't seem to get it all together. :( It is a cycle of doing absolutely amazing and then something will happen or I will feel the stress creep in and then I feel totally overwhelmed and my prior desires and goals just go out the window and I just don't care.
Also, for those of you that don't know I have something called SAD (and yes it actually is sad). It is a form of depression that is often called seasonal or the winter blues because when the weather gets overcast and cloudy my mood is drastically effected. Some of the symptoms are sleeping too much, having little energy, and craving sweets and starchy foods, (one of the big ones) feeling depressed, difficulty waking up in the morning, tendency to oversleep as well as to overeat, and especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities. All of this leads to the depression, pessimism, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder.
Unfortunately I am effected by almost all of the symptoms, which is not very conducive to trying to diet as hard as I am dieting and trying to get ready for a show. The only time that I ever have real thoughts, urges, cravings, and cave is when the weather is bad. I am like a totally different person sort of like Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde. It is definitely not fun but I guess it is just another speed bump to get over in not only this journey for my pro card, but also in life. I am not going to let this hold me back! Finish line here I come! :)
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